Grace in Grief

Transparent post following and trigger warning for dealing with loss:

I confess. I avoid social media from May 8th through Mother’s Day, if not longer. Over the past few years, it has become too much. My mom’s passing is marked TWO days of the year - Mother’s Day and May 8th. It is almost a very cruel joke that she passed on Mother’s Day.

Now, I am an incredibly lucky mom of 3 wonderful, little boys, but I just can’t. I cannot find the joy in my heart to celebrate that day as it brings up one of the hardest times in my life. I lost the remaining compass I had to life that day. I absolutely dread Mother’s Day with my whole being and not just because my mom passed on it, but because it also highlights everything lost for her and for us because of MS.

I am a strong person. I know it. I take pride in it. I did not become this way because I wanted to be. I became this way because I had to be. Because I absolutely refused to let life swallow me whole. Because although the scales have not been tipped in my sisters’ and my favor, I try my hardest to tip them back. I will not let life push me around.

I suck it up solely for my boys and their excitement - it is what mothers do. I try my hardest to put on a happy face and find delight in their smiles. But, inside the pain is still raw.

I recognize that grace is what helps to heal grief. Grace for myself. Grace that I do not have to always be strong. Grace for the days that are harder than others (even 18 years after losing my dad). Grace through the hard times because they only last so long. Grace for allowing myself to not enjoy Mother’s Day right now.

I share this not for sympathy or for pity. Really, I dislike both because they undermine what battles I have fought to get where I am at. Unfortunately, I share this because I know that there are many people dealing with the recent loss of their parents through this upcoming holiday season. I share this to let them know that they are not alone.

I may still get online tomorrow and share the events that transpired over the time leading up to May 8th, 2016, because they are still quite astonishing to me, but if not, I will be back in a week.

May 5, 2020