by Belle Piazza
Awhile back it was suggested by a friend of mine that I reach out to a friend I had lost touch with many years ago to reconnect. We’d lost touch over something silly, as is often the case, and what I considered one of my closest friends at the time, was no longer a part of my life. The two of us opted to drift apart and as I tend to do, I put it all behind me and moved on. I thought I’d done a pretty good job of dealing with the loss of this friendship until the subject was recently resurrected. And that’s when it hit me. I was still hurt and angry. Very hurt and very angry – and that really surprised me.
It surprises me how we can compartmentalize emotions, box them up and put them high on a shelf in a tiny little closet in a back corner of our minds, never to be seen or heard from again. Until the box falls off the shelf and comes spilling out of that nice orderly place into a clutter of chaos all over our freshly cleansed psyche. Messy I tell you, very messy.
All this unpleasantness upset me. I have enough to deal with – I’m freaking dying a slow death from cancer and now this? Seriously? My emotional quota is completely allocated – I can’t afford to spend unnecessary energy on an old emotional wound that I thought had long since healed. But it hadn’t healed. It had just festered slowly over the years – but never really healed.
Well crap, I thought, I guess I have to deal with it. I figured I had two options. I could reopen the wound and try to heal it – going directly to the source, or I could just open it up – throw some disinfectant on it, let it scar over and put it back in its box in the closet. I chose the latter. That’s right – the latter. I didn’t take the emotional high road and have a bittersweet reunion with an old friend. I let sleeping dogs lie. And you know what? I’m fine with that.
Sometimes I think people have the impression that because we have cancer and we’re going to die that all our affairs – including emotional ones, require closure. That we should tie up all the loose ends with a pretty red bow and leave nothing unsaid. I beg to differ. I’m not going to try to heal this old wound. I’m just going to live with it. I talked to a close friend about it – what happened, how it made me feel and how I realized I’d never truly gotten over it. And I felt better. Did I forgive her? Did I forgive myself? I think I did; I’m pretty sure I did. I just didn’t do it with an emotional reunion or a pretty red bow. It was much quieter and internal than all that.
Earlier this summer a close friend visited me from Phoenix . She had gone through treatment for breast cancer several years prior to my cancer diagnosis. If I reached out to her even once I don’t remember it. Yet she was the first person, when I was diagnosed, to reach out to me – track me down in the hospital and tell me she was there for me – and she understood.
“You’re much more forgiving than I am” I told her. “If you weren’t such a forgiving person, we wouldn’t be here together today”. She just laughed and brushed it off as she always does. “Seriously” I told her “despite all I’ve been through I’m still not as forgiving a person as you’ve always been”. The truth of the matter is I haven’t even come close to mastering the forgive and forget concept. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for not reaching out to my friend who went through breast cancer.
Cancer doesn’t make us heroes. It presents us with opportunities and challenges us to learn and grow and it’s up to us what to make of them. It resurrects our unfinished business and says “And what are you going to do about it?” as if we had all the answers! It slows us down and dares us to look in the mirror to see what reflects back upon us. It challenges us to forgive ourselves and others. And how does that differ from someone who isn’t looking death in the face? Simply put – for those of us with terminal cancer – we have a time limit in which to respond to these challenges, and we know it.
What I’d really like to learn is how to forgive myself. Although my friend who suffered breast cancer forgave me many years ago, I have yet to forgive myself. And there have been other things I’ve said or done over the years that hurt people – mostly little things, but hurtful nonetheless. I wish I could take back some of the things I said and/or did, but that ship has sailed. In many instances I’ve tried to make amends, but some incidents were in passing – people I have no way of tracking down to apologize to. Some were complete strangers. The only option left is to forgive myself and release that negative energy, but I just haven’t been able to. Not in my heart. Logically it seems simple “you are forgiven!”; but I don’t feel forgiven. I just feel badly for having hurt another person.
I still have unfinished business – forgiving others, forgiving myself. I haven’t conquered either. With limited time, I’m trying to focus on forgiving myself, because I think if I can master that, then everything else should fall into place like a stack of dominos. Or at least that’s my plan. And if I never achieve my desired results, well, it is what it is. I’m human. I’m not Mother Theresa or the Dalai Llama.
I hope each of you will allow yourselves some slack and not succumb to the societal pressures of “forgive and forget” and “leave nothing unsaid”. It sounds so simple; like 5th grade math. But have you ever tried helping your kids with their 5th grade math? Not always so simple, trust me. Don’t get me wrong – there is nothing that will destroy you faster than harboring ill will and anger. It needs to be released. There is nothing more healing than forgiveness – of yourself and others. So while I’ll continue to work on forgiving myself and others; there will be times I simply accept what is and keep moving forward. And I’m okay with that.